Me, eHarmony Jesus, and the Reality of God's Sovereignty

   I’m a Christian. I was raised a Christian, a homeschooled Christian in a small southern town to be exact. Forget preacher’s kid, I’m a marriage and family therapist’s kid, which means I’m never allowed to have a mental breakdown. Try living with that kind of pressure and see if you don't develop an anxiety disorder...but wait, I can't have one of those either.

   I know a lot about God. I’ve been reading the Bible and going to church most of my life, and I’m pretty well-versed on the ins and outs of what Christians believe, what Christians talk like, who Christians vote for, etc. I listen to The Newsboys. I sing in the praise band. I teach Sunday school. I’ve been on two mission trips. But none of those things make me a Christian. My personal relationship with Jesus Christ is what makes me a Christian, and it took traveling halfway around the world to make me realize just how personal that relationship can, or cannot, be.  

   I was raised a homeschooled, church-going, Bible-toting Christian, but my grasp of God as an all-powerful, infinite creator is no greater than any other white, middle-class, bubble-abiding American. Growing up, my mom made me dinner every night, corrected my essays, and drove me to basketball games. My dad sent me to Europe and Guatemala and community college. My siblings and I did our school together, we played games together, and we slept in the same room together even though we had our own bedrooms.

   I’ve always been loved and accepted and safe, and floating high over my wonderful, loving home was a God that I read and sang about but didn’t really know. Don’t get me wrong, I’d been born again, but it was like Jesus and I were in an online dating relationship. I looked at pictures of Him, read about His likes and dislikes, and sometimes He sent me little messages, but I’d never actually seen Him face-to-face. He told me He’d always love me, that He’d never leave me or forsake me, and I believed Him because it was easy. I was knee-deep in love. I’d never been hungry or lonely and certainly never forsaken---my biggest life’s tragedy was not being accepted to Duke---why should I doubt God’s love when love was all I’d ever known?

   But things are different now. I've left my home and my family for a world that cares nothing for me. I was raised in a cocoon of love, acceptance, and safety, but I might never find a home like that again. That's what makes growing up so terrifying: there are no guarantees.

   Except one. God commanded me to be strong and courageous, to never fear because He would be with me wherever I went. It used to be easy to believe that promise, but it’s not anymore. These past two weeks, I've learned a lot about the character of God, and He doesn't look like the God I thought I knew. I used to believe in a God of limited power, a God who manifested Himself as a fuzzy feeling I sometimes got in church, but I've since met a God who's sustained me across continents, who's held His hand over me and said, "Don't be afraid, I will never leave you or forsake you." It’s hard to believe in a dating-site Jesus when my old life is a distant memory, but I can believe in a God of infinite power who has filled my heart with the greatest peace I've ever known, even as all my inclinations of security were stripped away. It's hard to believe in a dating-site Jesus when my prayers never seemed to get past the bedroom ceiling, but I can believe in a God who longs for a relationship with me, who answers my questions with truth, and longs to speak to me and be heard. It's hard to believe in a dating-site Jesus who grows and fades like a spiritual mood ring, but I can believe in a God who never changes, who keeps His promises, and never stops loving me. I was raised a Christian, but that doesn't make me a Christian. It's my personal relationship with a real God---not a distant Sunday-morning feeling---that makes me a Christian, and today, even though I'm more uncomfortable and challenged than I've ever been before, I can say I've tasted and seen that that Lord is good and I'm so blessed to find my refuge in Him.