Well, it’s happened. I got accepted to William and Mary, my dream school, the college I’ve been planning to attend for the past 2 years. I’ve spent the last year fulfilling a transfer agreement with W&M, taking special classes and signing special forms. I drove 5 hours to talk with an academic advisor and I remember asking her, among other things, how much of a guarantee guaranteed admission is. I was crushed when they denied me last year, and I wasn’t about to go through that again, but the advisor assured me all was well. And I guess it was, because I got my acceptance, finally, after a year of frantically trying to prove that they’d made a mistake the first time, that I actually could pass a calculus class, that I was worth their time and effort. It felt good, holding that welcome packet in my hand and knowing I’d done it, proved them wrong and achieved the dream after all, but you know what, I’m not going. I decided 3 months ago to study third world medicine in Australia. It was a spur-of-the-moment decision, as are most of my decisions, but it was also a blessed decision. It took me a year to get accepted to William and Mary, a year of 19 credit semesters that I absolutely hated, but it took me 6 weeks from the day I first looked up YWAM to the day I received my acceptance and purchased my plane ticket. It took 4 months for my application to be processed at W&M and 6 hours for my student visa application to be approved. I’d been looking for a job for 2 years, but after receiving my acceptance to YWAM Perth, I found 2 jobs in a week. All signs are pointing to Australia, but I never gave up on my W&M dream. I was planning to defer my admission for a year, but after I received my acceptance, I learned W&M doesn’t allow transfer students to defer. It was another no, every bit as loud and non-negotiable as the first. But you see, that’s the way God has always worked in my life. He lets me have my dreams, assurances that my life is within my control, but when it’s time for those dreams to become reality, the door gets slammed in my face. At first, it feels like my life is over, but then, after I’ve screamed and cried a little, I notice there’s another door. It’s usually a less glamorous, more challenging door, one that was always there, I was just too distracted to see it before. It wasn’t the door I wanted, but it’s the one I have to take, so I do. It felt almost surreal, sending my denial to a school I’ve only ever wanted to accept, even when they didn’t want to accept me, but it also felt exciting. For the first time in my life, I don’t have a plan. I know I will be spending a year in Australia, but I don’t know what I’ll be doing when that year is up. I don’t know if I’ll be going to college, much less which college that will be. I don’t know if I’ll be coming back to my hometown, or even my home country. All I know is God said no to W&M and yes to something bigger, scarier, and ultimately I believe, better. To me, the girl who’s always had a plan, it feels like running in the dark, not knowing where I’m going or what I’ll do when I get there. But I also feel blessed, happy to be told no by a God who knows the plans He has for me. It’s funny, but this no is beginning to feel a lot like a yes, and for the first time, this uncertainty is beginning to feel a lot like freedom.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
~ Jeremiah 29:11
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